Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
