I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
