Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
