mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Randomize
