Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Randomize
