well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
