I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
