i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
wow bdsm is so cute
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
