A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
