i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
