How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
