twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
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