I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
