There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
