I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Randomize
