This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
