i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
