She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
