All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
