DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
