Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
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