walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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