Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
