The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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