Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
