Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
