i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
