I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
