i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
No...this little piggys going to the bar
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
