Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
