I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Randomize
