Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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