Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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