fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
