I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
