I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
