How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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