I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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