I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
