I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
