Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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