nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
