you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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