I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
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