eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
You're earring is so big in my mouth
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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