The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
