Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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