we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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