I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Damn victory sex feels great
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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