There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
We named our party play list daddy issues
you didnt know i had herpes?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
