New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
